Bruises? Why women stay!

"Why Women Stay: Understanding the Barriers to Leaving"

One of the most perplexing aspects for those outside of an abusive relationship is attempting to fathom why a woman does not simply leave. A recent letter addressed to Dear Abby on this topic was signed "Tired of Voluntary Victims."

It is crucial to remember that intense emotional abuse invariably characterizes domestic violence scenarios. On average, an abused woman will leave her partner 6-8 times. The motivations behind returning to or remaining in such relationships vary from case to case, and they include:

**Situational Factors**

1. **Economic Dependence**: Concerns about financially supporting herself and her children.
2. **Fear of Greater Physical Danger**: Apprehension about escalated harm to herself and her children if they attempt to leave.
3. **Fear of Retaliation**: Dread of being pursued and facing even more severe abuse from her partner.
4. **Survival**: Anxiety that her partner might track her down and pose a mortal threat if she leaves, often due to real threats made by the partner.
5. **Fear for Children's Emotional Well-being**: Concern about the emotional toll on the children if she leaves.
6. **Custody Concerns**: Anxiety about losing custody of the children, often fueled by her partner's assertions.
7. **Lack of Alternative Housing**: Nowhere else to go.
8. **Limited Job Skills**: Uncertainty about obtaining employment.
9. **Social Isolation**: Lack of support from family and friends.
10. **Lack of Information**: Ignorance about available alternatives due to social isolation.
11. **Lack of Understanding**: Insufficient empathy from family, friends, police, ministers, etc.
12. **Negative Responses**: Adverse reactions from the community, police, courts, social workers, etc.
13. **Fear of Legal Process**: Anxiety about becoming involved in legal proceedings based on past negative experiences.
14. **Fear of the Unknown**: Preferring the familiar difficulties over unfamiliar challenges.
15. **Fear of Change**: Ambivalence towards profound life alterations.
16. **"Acceptable Violence"**: Gradual escalation of abuse over time, causing the victim to normalize the mistreatment.
17. **Community Ties**: Reluctance to uproot children from their school or sever connections with friends and neighbors.
18. **Sentimental Attachments**: Emotional ties to home and belongings.
19. **Family Pressure**: Influences from family members who warned against the relationship.
20. **Threats of Exposure**: Fear of the abuser disclosing personal information to her detriment.
21. **Resource Inaccessibility**: Inability to utilize resources due to language barriers, disabilities, homophobia, etc.
22. **Time Constraints**: Necessity for planning and preparation before leaving.

**Emotional Factors**

1. **Fear of Loneliness**: Insecurity about handling household and childcare responsibilities alone.
2. **Loyalty**: Staying due to a sense of commitment and compassion for the abuser.
3. **Pity**: Feeling sorry for the abuser, perceiving him as worse off.
4. **Desire to Help**: Belief that remaining can aid the abuser's improvement.
5. **Fear of Suicide**: Apprehension that the abuser might take his own life if she leaves.
6. **Denial**: Minimizing the severity of abuse and comparing her situation to others'.
7. **Love**: Affection for the abuser, especially during non-abusive phases.
8. **Guilt**: Belief that she is responsible for the relationship's problems.
9. **Shame and Humiliation**: Fear of community judgment and stigma.
10. **Unfounded Optimism**: Belief that the abuser will change or things will improve despite evidence to the contrary.
11. **Learned Helplessness**: Anticipating failure due to repeated resistance to efforts.
12. **False Hope**: Perceiving signs of improvement, such as counseling or anger management.
13. **Self-Blame**: Seeing violence as a result of personal inadequacy.
14. **Responsibility**: Feeling that meeting vague expectations will win the abuser's approval.
15. **Insecurity**: Worrying about independence and emotional support.
16. **Guilt and Shame**: Struggling with the failure of the marriage/relationship.
17. **Demolished Self-Esteem**: Internalizing derogatory remarks from the abuser.
18. **Lack of Support**: Feeling overwhelmed by the absence of assistance.
19. **Exhaustion**: Weariness from enduring abuse.

**Personal Beliefs**

1. **Parenting Concerns**: Believing a flawed father is better than no father for the children.
2. **External Pressures**: Influences from religion and extended family to preserve the family unit.
3. **Sense of Duty**: Commitment to the marital vows, regardless of circumstances.
4. **Responsibility**: Believing it's her obligation to salvage the relationship.
5. **Idealization of Marriage**: Clinging to the concept of a perfect, enduring partnership.
6. **Identity**: Feeling incomplete without a partner due to societal norms.
7. **Belief in Permanence**: Holding onto the notion that marriage is unbreakable.
8. **Normalizing Violence**: Growing up in an environment where violence is perceived as typical.
9. **Cultural and Religious Beliefs**: Factors tied to faith and upbringing.