"God WHY..... WHY ME..... This life growing within me, transplanted due to the violent act of a man"

 

December 2005, I broke up with the older man as he was verbally abusive to me in front of my then 5 year old. I removed my things from his home in Decatur, GA, when the words "If I cannot have you, then no one will." I fought, screamed, cried.... I was not strong enough. He took what he wanted and left me to pick up the pieces while my 5 year old was in the living room.

Devastated, confused, hurt, violated, was just a few of the emotions I felt after being raped. I felt alone with my emotions. I kept reminding myself "I have to be strong for Jonathan." The night sweats, inability to sleep, fear, and anger plagued me every day.

The jolt of reality arouse when I found out I was pregnant. The horror of the news hit me as I fell to the floor in the stall of the bathroom looking at the test result. I muffled my scream as I hit the floor over and over...looking above asking "God WHY..... WHY ME..... This life growing within me, transplanted due to the violent act of a man who claimed he cared. Random thoughts flowed through my mind, body and soul. "How can I be a parent to a child whose father took my life, my womanhood, my soul, my strength, my trust, the touch, smell, taste, sound, and sight of what love is truly has to bring. I felt broken. The thought of an abortion did come to mind. I reached out for help, but that help left me alone to fend for myself; to deal with the evil thoughts and emotions ALONE.

My son is now 10 years old and was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. He is my second love of my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I began my journey to healing by attending a group and individual counseling at my local rape crisis center. I had to learn it was ok to be loved, hugged, and touched, by my own children. I had to learn how to love my children and me. When I look at him I smile inside. I can finally wrap my arms around my young man without feeling bitter or ashamed.

As my son sits here watching me complete my homework, I can hear him say over and over... "I can't wait until mom is a nurse." This is my beginning for us. Going to school part-time and working full-time to help pay for a better life for my family, will be one of my ultimate long term goal. I have the strength and the courage to move on....and I shall.

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